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Superman vs. Batman

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CRESPO'S CORNER

This is a section of our website devoted to things that Sean Crespo has written that we haven't found a home for anywhere else. With that being said, it doesn't mean that they're any less brilliant than other things that he has written. I mean Diogenes lived in a barrel and roamed the streets carrying a lantern at noon looking for an honest man. People look up to and respect and admire Diogenes. So, you should hold these pieces in equal reverence.

MID-WEEK PLOT BREAKDOWNS OF YOUR FAVORITE SOAP OPERAS*

Conjugal Heights
America's favorite upscale gated community

MONDAY:
Inside the Heights; Ambrosia grows tired of waiting for elderly fiancé Alistair, in a coma, to awaken. She tricks youthful, sexy Daven, also in a coma, into letting her into his own bed. Due to a mattress shortage, Alistair awakes to find the lovers in the hospital gurney next to him. Daven mistakenly signs the wrong pre-nup and is married to Alistair. Watch the accidentally homosexual sparks fly!
Outside the Heights; a fire destroys the city's affordable housing.

TUESDAY:
Inside the Heights; troubled CJ can't find her diamond ballet shoes and refuses to perform at the Save the Heights' Red Plumed Warbler benefit. Her family blames evil fiancé AC. Confusion ensues when AC's evil twin DC returns out of nowhere, and the two, AC and DC, are jailed. DC is acquitted of charges when Professor Cabot Lodge postulates that the evil twin of an already evil man is, by mathematical definition, good. Watch the acronymic sparks fly!
Outside the Heights; black people are no longer allowed to vote.

WEDNESDAY:
Inside the Heights; Love is in the air, literally, as the zeppelin race celebrating Alistair and Daven's marriage goes off with a bang, also literally, as thousands of the shanty towns and denizens surrounding the Heights are engorged in the unquenchable flames of man's decadence, literally. Also, the force field keeping out the filthy and the poor is recharged and set to protect the Heights for another 50 years. Watch the sparks fly as an angry mob of the poor are severely shocked each time they touch the force field!
Outside the Heights; the homeless eat glass.

Suspense Beach
America's favorite upscale gated beach community

MONDAY:
On the Beach; April asks Chet to marry her. Will he do it? Meanwhile, the twins Brady and Brody, get amnesia and can’t remember who is who. Things get sticky when Brady's girlfriend Sami shows up ready to make good on their suicide pact. What will happen?
Also: The Beluga whale is hunted to extinction but no one notices.

TUESDAY:
On the Beach; Chet's new wife, April, interrupts the triple funeral for the twins and Sami to reveal a horrible secret. What could it be? Meanwhile, Donovan Kendall decides to run for President of the United States. Could he possibly win the highest office in the land?
Also: A trillion-gallon oil spill is set ablaze by a flicked cigarette, burning the Pacific Ocean off into the atmosphere.

WEDNESDAY:
On the Beach; President Kendall and his Vice President Kyle, the bad boy ex-husband April ran away from after they had had lots and lots of sex, have to decide whether or not to go to war in this very special episode of Suspense Beach, which is to be continued with next week’s episode “This War Is In Fact Happening.”
Also: Sea spiders grow ambitious after learning humans are afraid of them.

Ambulance Bay
America's favorite upscale, private, gated hospital

MONDAY:
In the Bay; Sexy Chief Surgeon Dr. Burt Ripley is out cold with a 24-hour coma after ejaculating for three straight days into every nurse in the tri-state area. It’s up to hunky intern Rodney to finish a dangerous operation and graft cheetah legs onto America’s next big hope for a Track and Field gold. It fails, throwing Rodney and his patient into a coma. Also: Dr. Burt's thousands of illegitimate children have formed a cult devoted to hunting down their sexy father but they are successfully turned away from the hospital because none of them has an HMO.
Also: A nuclear winter has begun the slow process of choking all life on earth, clogging the hospitals.

TUESDAY:
In the Bay; It’s comas all around when a slippery floor by the exit takes out the entire medical staff. Only the patients remain awake, but thankfully for them, sexy Dr. Burt has awoken and installed on his body a tank and pneumatic pump to dispense semen. There’s a wrench in the works though; some of the sperm that make up the semen go into tiny little comas of their own and can’t swim.
Also: Rodney and the Cheetah man awake and swap poaching anecdotes.
Also: The divider between the corporeal and the spirit world is broken, and billions of ghosts now rule the planet.

WEDNESDAY:
In the Bay; Dr. Burt's still going strong, too strong. Half the patients slip into comas after succumbing to a combination of Burt's powerful cologne and high-pressure semen. The ones that don’t fall into comas almost make it to the exit door but are waylaid by the still wet floor and slip into comas anyway. Later, in their dream sequences, everyone fantasizes about slipping on a floor and, in their comas, fall into coma comas.
Also: Universal Healthcare is passed in both Houses with no Presidential veto expected, but the moon crashes into the hospital.

*Thursday’s and Friday’s programs have been preempted by content.