SCRIPT PITCHING:
TROY

Dear Wolfgang Peterson,

I am a struggling writer and would like it if you would extend to me the “olive branch” of opportunity on your new movie TROY. I have included some pages from my Troy, which I wrote on a rainy day back in 1988. Please buy it and/or me. The script can be printed in any color you’d like. I come in only one, though amazing advances in melanin research may be able to change that too!

Yours,

Darren "no man is an island" Isthmus

---

Note to Director: Music should swell about here, maybe even crescendo. Big. Think “Terms of Endearment” big.
Note to Producer: See if you can have the Argo sail off into the sunset, but literally, INTO the sun. Would that be too much? Do boats do that yet? Get PA to check.
Note to Self: Find out what “PA” stands for and what they do.

CONTINUED
raises the Golden Fleece into the air triumphantly. The Argo transforms into submarine mode for its stealthy trip home.

EXT. OUTSIDE WALLS OF TROY - SAME
Diomedes smirks.

ODYSSEUS
Why do I think you’re about to do something to jeopardize my pension with the Achaean Army, Di?

Diomedes begins loading his .57 bow.

ODYSSEUS
No, you’re not using that thing. First we do things my way,
by the tablet.
(pressing the point, he shoves his own badge in Di’s face)
Think. How do we get inside Troy without blowing up half the city?

DIOMEDES
We could ask Hades for help.

ODYSSEUS
Man, why you be makin’ jokes? We’re in the middle of the Trojan War. You know, THE Trojan War? Look, just follow my lead.

DIOMEDES
Good Warrior-Bad Warrior?

ODYSSEUS
(nods yes, addresses Troy)
Hey, Troy, look, we don’t want any trouble. Just open up…or I’m going to have to let my partner here deal with you. And you don’t want that. Because he’s bad. Trust me, you’d rather deal with me, because I’m good. Look at him. He’s so crazy.

Diomedes is doing cartwheels and farting the names of Olympic gods out in smoke signals.

ODYSSEUS
Oh shit!

Diomedes and Odysseus look up just in time to avoid a volley of flaming arrows by diving behind a makeshift wall of wooden barrels.

DIOMEDES
(sniffing)
Hey, Od, you smell Italian food?

CLOSE-UP: the barrels have been branded “OLIVE OIL, FLAMMABLE”

ODYSSEUS
Oh shit.

The daring duo dives away just as the barrels explode. Another volley of arrows forces them to dive behind a wagon cart, also filled with barrels.

DIOMEDES
(sniffing)
Hey, Od, you smell Persian food?

CLOSE-UP: the barrels have been branded “QUAIL OIL, EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE”

ODYSSEUS
Oh shit.

The daring duo dives away just as the barrels explode. Another volley of arrows forces them to dive this time behind an enormous 20 foot tall barrel, but this one is filled with other smaller barrels that do not explode, except for one, but it is a small explosion inside the larger barrel and goes unnoticed. Diomedes pulls out a flask.

ODYSSEUS
Elders first.

He grabs the flask and takes a long swig. He obviously has a problem.

DIOMEDES
Now we do it my way.

Diomedes cocks his bow Peloponnesian style and aims it at the Trojan gates. Odysseus takes yet another drink. Hopefully he will seek help some day. Alcoholism is no laughing matter.

INT. SOUTH AFRICAN EMBASSY - SAME

AMBASSADOR
(on phone)
What do you mean they got through? Kaffa lovers!