Words Words Words

[The Chorus enters and reads from a scroll.]

CHORUS
Shakespeare is credited by the Oxford English
Dictionary with the introduction of nearly
3,000 words into the language. And now,
Hamlet. Act Eye, scene eye. Elsinore.

[The Chorus exits. Enter Bernardo and Francisco, two sentinels.]

BERNARDO
Who's there?

FRANCISCO
Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.

BERNARDO
Long live the king!

FRANCISCO
Bernardo?

BERNARDO
He.

FRANCISCO
You come most carefully upon your hour.

BERNARDO
’Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco. You’d not risk your wife’s Scrimulation,
With lateness, would ye?

FRANCISCO
Indeed.
Nay, I suppose I would not…
Do that…thing.

Scrimulation you say?

BERNARDO
Ay.

FRANCISCO
As in, to Scrimulate?

BERNARDO
Ay.

FRANCISCO
Ne’er heard I such language.

BERNARDO
‘Tis employed in the lay, I am told.

FRANCISCO
Told by whom?

BERNARDO
A joiner.

FRANCISCO
A joiner?

BERNARDO
Well,
Mayhaps he was a tinker, yet he was
Simple enough.

FRANCISCO
In what context did this Simple tinker employ this-
Scrimulation?

BERNARDO
O, let me ponder but
A moment. Er-

FRANCISCO
Yes?

BERNARDO
Something about, er, nay. Tush tush, it has Slippèd my mind.

FRANCISCO
Well ‘tis a glaring
Omission in mine own lexicon.

BERNARDO
Your what?

FRANCISCO
But as Lady Fortune would have’t,
I possess here rare copy of th’ Elsinore
Unabridgèd Dictionary, stowed with
Mine armor many a weary eve’n
T’occupy my wary mind amidst the
Still and hollow sands of our watch, ere the
Russet mantle of Phoebus bedecks the
Heavens anew. So let us see…
Screech, screeching, scrim--

BERNARDO
Nay!
Tarry not to fret nor to quibble.
‘Tis past twelve; speed thee to bed, man.

FRANCISCO
For this relief much thanks: 'tis bitter cold,
And I am sick at heart. Scrimulation.
Hum. Well, give you good night

[Exit Francisco.]

BERNARDO
Adieu till the Elanthiptical morrow!

[Enter again Francisco, hurriedly.]

FRANCISCO
What didst thou call?

BERNARDO
O, halloo. Methought you had retired.

FRANCISCO
Indeed. As I thought too. Now what ‘twas you Called to me?

BERNARDO
Tush tush. ‘Twas but a parting benediction.

FRANCISCO
Nay, I mean to say,
Thou augur’d the morrow in strange fashion. With which modifier didst thou describe’t?

BERNARDO
The?

FRANCISCO
Nay, not “The.” T‘other, thou dullard.

BERNARDO
Tush tush, ‘Cisco. Why such int’rest in my Speech at such late hour? Tush, tush. Th’hoary Gates of Tartar stand agape yet here we Banter-

FRANCISCO
I would know this élan- that word
Thou employed!

BERNARDO
Tush-

FRANCISCO
No tush! If thou wilt not Share with me, my thirst must slake avec
L’Elsinore Unabridgèd-

BERNARDO
Wait!

FRANCISCO
What?

BERNARDO
Uh…Hark?

FRANCISCO
What meanest thou by, “Uh…Hark?”

BERNARDO
Hark, I heard a keen wailing?

FRANCISCO
Dost thou ask or
Dost thou report?

BERNARDO
I heard a keen wailing.

FRANCISCO
And?

BERNARDO
And ‘twas keen.

FRANCISCO
‘Tis humorous, sith I Perceiveth’d no keen wailing. Nor did I
Espy a keen wailer. Come, do not my
Purpose circumvent.

BERNARDO
Do what?

FRANCISCO
That word whose speaking was much the like to
Elliptical yet was by some strangeness altered?
Elanthiptical? Have I hit the mark?

BERNARDO
Hark! That wailing, returnèd. ‘Tis keener
Than ever! O, the keenness! Hark!

FRANCISCO
That?
Keen wailing? ‘Tis a ‘hoot.’ From an owl.
Art thou daft? Truly, thou mayst confess it.

BERNARDO
O, simple ‘Cisco. Thou art the daft one. Ha!
And deaf! Ha! ‘Twas not an owl keening
And wailing but now. Ha!
And Hark!
And Also Tush Tush.
I’faith, Ha! Hark! Tush!
Wait for it…
Tarshk!

FRANCISCO
Sigh. Then by what name goes this keening, Wailing beast which maketh the Hoot Hoot?

[Bernardo picks at something on his arm.]

FRANCISCO
Hellooooooo?

BERNARDO
Hark yet again!

FRANCISCO
No.

[Bernardo stares footward.]

FRANCISCO
Come now, dull pate. What name?

BERNARDO
[covering mouth, coughing]

FRANCISCO
Tar-something?

BERNARDO
Tarmin. A Tarmin, thou smug over-letter’d
Bastard, a damnèd Tarmin.

FRANCISCO
Seriously, Bernardo. Truly, now.
No dissembling. Tell me, with honest heart: Art thou a fucking moron?
Or what?

[Enter Ghost.]

FRANCISCO
But a moment, please.

[Ghost shrugs.]

BERNARDO
So thou thinkest me the feeble of mind?
And yet whose wisdom lacked the words of a Simple tinker? Was’t mine? Was’t the ow—
I mean Tarmin’s? Or was’t thine, O Simple Simple ‘Cisco?

FRANCISCO
Thou speakest the right, man.
I know not your Scrimulation, nor what
An Ellanthiptical morrow portends,
Nor why the sound a Tarmin emits is
Twin to the common forest owl. I’ fact,
If asked how one might Scrimulate
A Tarmin Ellanthiptic’lly, as lost
As Theseus sans Ariadne in
Minas’ labyrinth would be I. Wait. Hush.
Voila, they sound once more! Hoot Hoot!
O, those boist’rous Tarmins.

BERNARDO
Tarmini.

FRANCISCO
What?

BERNARDO
The plural of Tarmin
Is Tarmini, not tarmins, thou pompous
Lickspittle.

[Ghost twirls finger for them to wrap it up.]

BERNARDO
And if the vasty fields of
Thy mind hold such fertile soil, why take up
Castle guard as employ? Am I t’assume
The joiner’s guild already met their “Preening Malcontent” hiring quota for the year?

FRANCISCO
For thine edification-

BERNARDO
My what?

FRANCISCO
-I joinèd this guard to honor now late
Our king. Lamentable tears, come you now!
O, Hamlet! Dead King Hamlet, return t’us!
Mirth live eternal in mine heart if but
Thy ghost fleshless, yet visible mind you,
Were to haunt these turrets and chase ‘way this Foolish fardel afore me!

[Ghost waves arms in front of Francisco.]

FRANCISCO
O, would thou wert Hades’ truant tonight!

[Ghost jumps about in front of Francisco.]

FRANCISCO
Earthèd Hamlet! Buried Hamlet! Still and
Wormy Hamlet with melty face and goopy Spleen, dead these two months, nay not so much Not two, pray speak to us!

[Ghost sticks tongue in Francisco’s ear.]

FRANCISCO
To specify:
I speak not of the melancholic prince
Hamlet, who is alive, but the dead one,
Who also is namèd Hamlet, as is
The custom in Denmark’s patriarchy.

[Ghost crumples to floor in ghost tears.]

FRANCISCO
Just so everyone is clear on this point.

[Ghost glares at Francisco.]

FRANCISCO
O! O, O, O, O!

[Exit Ghost.]

FRANCISCO
O.

[Ghost runs in and Hoots.]

BERNARDO
There ‘tis! The noble Tarmin hath returned!

[Exit Ghost again, giggling.]

BERNARDO
Though judging by the timbre in this one’s Throat, ‘tis not just any Tarmin, but one
Of th’elusive and rare…
Nautipular Tarmini.

FRANCISCO
Nautipular Tarmini. I see.
Might it be also of the-
Vestriturgic variety?

BERNARDO
Perhaps…

FRANCISCO
Or is its heritage
Neo-Phomanian in origin?

BERNARDO
Mayhaps.

FRANCISCO
Ah.

BERNARDO
But it must needs be, er…
Tzulkratizèd, of course, with, well,
Utilizing only the most modern
Mipricocious techniques in as, uh…
Saludious a manner as possible
To be fully assured, wouldn’t one,
Simple Simple Simple ‘Cisco?

FRANCISCO
Hurrah! Thrice Simpl’d! Thanks sirrah.
And may I cry thy talents to all: A
Splendible grasp of numbers
Thou possess! Thy knowledge of things is almost -what is the word-
Gristastical, yes, in its scope.

BERNARDO
Thank you.

FRANCISCO
Truly thy faculties have reached that final Bristiloprauklid plateau of wisdom,
A towering…
Pestuary of the unknowable.
Excuse me, not unknowable, I meant
Quimprisculdarianegogic.

BERNARDO
Quimprisculdarianegogici.

FRANCISCO
Of course of course. Thou art nothing if not Viclavitous, Bernardo. Blessings and
Galubritations be on thy most
Pancontransinterqualiminent-
Iversitalitouscienty house.

BERNARDO
Freep!

FRANCISCO
Indeed. And a Lqqqnxnlkc3r%?+7 to you.

[Exit Francisco, gnawing at dictionary.]