TOUR OF DAVID TAYLOR'S APARTMENT

I’ve been promising and/or threatening to post a pictorial walk-through tour of David Taylor’s Koreatown apartment for some time now. Today is the lucky day because by writing this I’m putting off cleaning my own home and working on something that I should have finished yesterday. Yes, lazy and a hypocrite. I am an American hero.

So, here we go on our magical mystery tour of the Taylor Estate.

There’s no picture of this, but I stood and screamed for David to buzz me into his building for 5 minutes before just calling one of his neighbors and conning them into letting me into the building. Now that David has the Internet and has been interacting socially with women more often his phone is almost always busy when he is at home. These photos were taken on the day I hooked up his Internet dial-up connection a couple of weeks ago.

At the top of the stairs we arrive at apartment #202.

Visitors to David’s apartment must be thin and svelte like he is, because the door only opens this much...

due to a build up of garbage and newspapers that have declared themselves a sovereign nation within the entryway of David’s apartment. As you squeeze your way past be careful not to trip and slit your throat via paper cut on the Eviction Notice.

Although David cleared up this financial misunderstanding with his landlord months ago, he keeps the notice up on the wall to prove that he doesn’t play by The Man’s or his Central Colombian landlord’s rules. It might as well be a sign that reads “Badass on Premises. Watch Your Back. This Means YOU!”

And who do we find as we turn the corner into the main living/sleeping/molting area? None other than Mr. I’m Not Going to Conform to Society’s Rules About Housekeeping Etiquette himself David Taylor. Please note that there is garbage in every visible square-inch of flooring in this photo. I am sad to inform the reader that this is the rule and not the exception for the rest of David’s domicile.

We catch David reading a book, which is odd, because in about 15 minutes when his Internet connection is installed he’s going to be using ussearch.com to look up the ages of every person that he has come in contact with in Los Angeles over the past three years.

FYI: This paragraph was supposed to list the names of several female comedians and their real ages. I pussed out and deleted the names at the last moment before FTP-ing this onto the site. However, I will say that I was saddened to learn that one blonde comedian with whom I may or may not have had intimate relations in the last year is actually 34, not 30 as she claimed to be while we were quote, unquote doing it.

Although David spends a lot of time reading, writing and looking up publicly-available personal data on the Internet, he also likes to kick up his heels and relax. Here he displays the most important possession in his apartment – his projection television.

David says that when it was new this television was worth over $5,000. And how does one enjoy a $5,000 television picture? By projecting it onto…

a sheet taped to a wall with tin foil taped behind it. It’s just like sitting in the Dome at the Arclight. I swear to God.

A lot of stars in Hollywood have a difficult time keeping their trim, rock-hard physiques. David is no different. He is on a very strict diet. He claims it is due to the state of abject poverty in which he lives. In reality, David’s self-imposed asceticism is nothing more than a manifestation of his vanity. Take a glimpse at David’s narcissism as personified by the contents of his refrigerator.

The fridge only contains three items. Were you able to spot them all? If not, click on different areas of the picture for pop-up photos and descriptions of each.

David has a much more voracious appetite when it comes to literature. He assured me that I could take all of the embarrassing photos of his apartment that I wanted just as long as I included a photo of his bookcase and the many pieces of fine literature ensconced with in it. So, here it goes.

That’s right. The bookcase stands right next to the refrigerator. Feeding his mind is just as, if not more, important as feeding his flesh. Interested in which titles David keeps on hand to quench his in satiable hunger for the written word? Click on the bookcase picture to see a larger version of the image.

And, finally, our tour ends with the reason why I wanted to put pictures of David’s apartment on the Internet in the first place – to shame him into cleaning it. As the coup de grace to my multimedia intervention allow me to leave you with Exhibit A.

This is David’s toilet. Yes, it was featured as a danandsean.com Picture of the Week only a short time ago. However, I think it is important to include it in this little essay as it was the impetus for the whole endeavor in the first place. The West Nile virus, SARS, Monkeypox – something tells me that they can all be traced back to here.

David, some Soft Scrub® with Bleach and a little elbow grease could go a long way in stopping a chain of events in which the human race is wiped out in a biological holocaust that originates from the 24 square-feet of your apartment’s bathroom facilities. Think about it.

Your Friend,

Dan Bialek